Thirsty ground draws in spring rains under gray skies, and gathering pools reflect newly birthed leaves and blossoms of earlier sunshiny days. These paintings mark a milestone in my artistic life as my first impressionistic abstracts. I asked the Lord to grace me with an illustration for this blog in confident trust. My first attempt, after many hours, was disastrous. At one point, I said, “Lord, this is too hard, but I have to trust You with this because I’m blogging about faith.” 

To release my frustration, I grabbed a new canvas and began an abstract in complete abandonment with paints already on my palate. Finally, released from striving, my spirit sensed new freedom. I grabbed my first painting and wiped the paint off with a paper towel, then added in more colors, and within half an hour, I gratefully called it good. 

I snuggle into a bright orange throw on my deep blue couch and reflect on my growing understanding of trust over this last year. The untimely death of my husband a year ago threw me into a chasm of dependence upon God as never before. 

Conrad’s tender heart and caring ways tried to shield my damaged nervous system from as much stress as possible. Over the past ten years, he completely took over the driving, has always managed the bills, and took care of all home maintenance. He also took care of a multitude of things like hanging pictures straight, moving furniture, and fixing screens, shades, sprinklers, fences, and appliances. He unstopped plugged drains, took out the trash, disposed of dead rodents, opened jars, pumped gas, did our taxes, and discerned junk mail. He fastened my necklaces, addressed cards, and glued broken things that my trembling hands could not. 

Oh, so many things I took for granted and didn’t even have to think about suddenly became overwhelming obstacles to living. Yet, God never abandoned me on this new learning curve, heart-pounding paperwork, and sweat-breaking navigation trauma. I wanted to trust Him, but anxiety defeated me. I watched movies to escape loneliness and then began reading novels. One novel, The Days of Lemech by Jon Saboe, about Noah’s father before the flood, gave me a truth about trust that now accompanies me on my new journey. 

In this book, A believer in the coming “Seed” converses with an unbeliever and asks about the original sin. The anticipated answer was that sin began when Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit. But no, the believer answers that sin began when Adam and Eve stopped trusting God. Therefore they disobeyed. The original sin was lack of trust, not disobedience. Breaking God’s command was sin, but not the first sin.

The lights went on, and I realized God wanted me to trust Him with my anxiety. We all sin repeatedly, but those sins, no matter how deep and wide, will never keep us out of heaven, nor will they condemn us to hell. The one and only sin that takes us to the place prepared for the devil and his fallen angels is our lack of trust in the precious blood of the Lamb of God to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. So too, our lack of faith in God’s love, provision, wisdom, and power lead us into a defeated life even as “believers.”

God knows the hurdles before me. He knows my inability to conquer my fears and anxieties. The Apostle Paul writes, “And He (Jesus) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness” (see 2Co 12:9-10). Jesus says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (see Matt 11:28-30).

Jesus does not expect us to ever be able to live perfectly in our own strength, but He does expect us to come to Him with everything for His strength. He does not condemn me for fearing my weakness and inabilities. Still, He does want me to cast all my anxiety upon Him because He cares for me (1Pe 5:7). The power of His Holy Spirit not only draws me into His arms, but strengthens me to rest in His love, take the next step, and become more than a conqueror through Him who loves me (Rom 8:37).

So, I’m in process, not of becoming perfect but of trusting perfectly. The book of Hebrews tells us Israel could not enter His “rest,” not because of their sins but because of their unbelief. God rested on the seventh day from all his work. So too, He calls us into His rest from striving. He calls us to be still, know He alone is God, quiet our hearts and minds before Him, and rest completely in His grace, mercy, love, wisdom, and all-sufficient provision.

He is our all-sufficiency. Paul writes this blessing upon the Thessalonians (and to us), “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it” (1Th 5:23-24). Yes, HE will do it. Jude concludes his book with, “To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy” (see Jude 1:24-25).

This gray day becomes brighter as I rejoice in God’s faithfulness. I breathe a sigh of relief to know He only desires for me to cast my weakness on Him. Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” He tells me, “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” (Isa 46:4).

Today, the thirsty ground of my heart draws in the spring rains of His loving care. Gathering pools reflect these newly learned truths to share with you so you can rejoice together with me. I think I’ll celebrate my newfound freedom tonight. Who knows where it may lead? I never anticipated God rewarding my trust with two abstract paintings!

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him”  (Heb 11:6).